If You Can’t Ask, You Can’t Lead
I was working with a horse who had one very clear preference.
Scratch her collar bones.
If I stopped, she’d nudge me. If I scratched the wrong place, she’d reposition herself.
At one point I said to my trainer, half joking, “She’s kind of high maintenance.”
Without missing a beat she said, “No. She knows what she wants and she’s okay asking for it.”
That hit me harder than I expected. Because in my head, I had already labeled her.
Needy. Demanding. Extra.
And then I realized something uncomfortable.
That’s exactly what I do to myself.
When I want more support.
When I need help.
When I wish someone would step in.
There’s a voice that says:
Don’t be high maintenance.
Don’t be needy.
Don’t make this about you.
So instead of making a request, I make it mean something.
If I ask, it’s a demand.
If they don’t respond, I’m a burden.
If I stop over-functioning, I’m selfish.
But here’s what the horse taught me. A request is just a request. The other person can honor it. Or not.
It doesn’t make you wrong for asking. And it doesn’t make them wrong for declining. It only becomes heavy when we attach meaning.
High performers are very good at skipping the request phase and going straight to resentment. We’d rather go it alone than risk being perceived as high maintenance. And that slowly dilutes our leadership.
Because leaders who cannot ask clearly cannot lead clearly.
If this lands, I’m going much deeper into this in my upcoming live webinar:
Breathing Life Into Leadership
We’re unpacking the hidden self-silencing patterns high performers use, the cost of over-functioning, and how to lead without resentment.
The work is backed by research validated by Harvard and St. Norbert, executive interviews, and my ongoing work with leaders under real pressure.
The first 40 people to register receive the companion workbook free so you can integrate the shifts long after the session.
If you’re ready to stop labeling your needs as “high maintenance” and start leading from clarity instead of armor, join me.
In your corner,
Allison
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