"I Shouldn't Have to Ask"
"If I have to ask, it doesn't count."
"If they really cared, they'd know."
If you're a self-sacrificer, you've probably thought one of these. I hear some version of it from almost every leader I work with.
You notice everyone else's needs without being told, so you assume love means someone does the same for you. But most people can't see a want you've never said. They fail a test they didn't know they were taking, and you end up feeling unseen while carrying everything.
Here's what the rule really does. It keeps you safe. If you never ask, you never risk a no, and you get to stay the one who needs nothing.
A colleague of mine is hosting the holidays and invited a new family. The mom didn't ask, "What can I bring?" She asked, "Can I help you plan the meal?" In other words, "What can I take off your plate?"
My colleague was surprised. She hadn't known that was an option. Her autopilot is to do everything herself. She just invites, guests offer to bring something, and she ends up deciding and assigning.
The mom offered partnership. My colleague had never thought to offer it, or ask for it, herself.
Partnership takes two people saying yes. When you wait to be noticed instead of asking, nobody gets the chance. They get someone easy and pleasant with no needs, and no one can commit to that. You can spend years giving to people who never get to give back, and end up tired, resentful, and alone.
Alone, it doesn't matter. But relationship, partnership, and leadership can't be done alone.
So ask yourself: who am I if I say what I want out loud?
This week, try one small ask, in a way someone can say yes to. "Would you help me plan this?" If that feels like too much, start with, "I'd love your help with something. Do you have ten minutes?"
Then notice what the other person does with it. Someone gets to say yes, and you get to feel chosen instead of unseen.
If you want to see where you wait to be noticed instead of asking, the ACE Assessment will show you exactly where it shows up, and I'll personally walk you through what it means for you.
In your corner,
Allison
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